update post scar picture

Signed-off-by: vsoch <[email protected]>

Author: vsoch

_posts/2024/2024-04-15-seeing-yourself.md

@@ -39,11 +39,10 @@ But being silly aside, these events have given me perspective about the fragilit
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-In medical terms they really do call it a difficult airway. You can read the sign to see what that means, which was posted in multiple places around my room and on the door. The only way to intubate me is optically, and while awake, which means a small camera diving into my lungs bringing down the tube while I watch on the screen and cooperate. The only way to do it is with my assistance, which means I need to be conscious. Side note - probably not many people have seen the insides of their bronchioles
-. They are very cool! The one case in college where there was an emergency and they had to intubate me (still breathing on my own thankfully) it took them three hours, and in that time a large piece of an essential organ was dying. I woke up (thankfully) a few days later completely intubated, and when they painfully removed all the tubes, they came with old blood and immense swelling in my mouth all the way down my throat. It was terrible. My point here is that many people take it for granted that if something happens to them where they might go unconscious, the standard medical practices will work. They won't work for me, and so I don't take risks that might lead to that outcome. I'm supposed to wear a medical bracelet or necklace but I don't. The last part of this story is the most beautiful memory of the entire thing, my Mom meeting my Dad at the airport.
+In medical terms they really do call it a difficult airway. You can read the sign to see what that means, which was posted in multiple places around my room and on the door. The only way to intubate me is optically, and while awake, which means a small camera diving into my lungs bringing down the tube while I watch on the screen and cooperate. The only way to do it is with my assistance, which means I need to be conscious. Side note - probably not many people have seen the insides of their bronchioles. They are very cool! The one case in college where there was an emergency and they had to intubate me (still breathing on my own thankfully) it took them three hours, and in that time a large piece of an essential organ was dying. I woke up (thankfully) a few days later completely intubated, and when they painfully removed all the tubes, they came with old blood and immense swelling in my mouth all the way down my throat. It was terrible. My point here is that many people take it for granted that if something happens to them where they might go unconscious, the standard medical practices will work. They won't work for me, and so I don't take risks that might lead to that outcome. I'm supposed to wear a medical bracelet or necklace but I don't. The last part of this story is the most beautiful memory of the entire thing, my Mom meeting my Dad at the airport.
 
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-I had always hoped that someone would love me that much, but not everyone is so lucky. But now that I'm older, I have a different perspective. Love is not wanting something or someone for yourself - it is completely unselfish. The entirely of it manifests in our head, and that means that you can love someone without having them, in the traditional or expected sense that we are shown in movies. It is finding a person in the world that, maybe for the first time, you always place them before yourself. It is seeing how beautiful or handsome they are, not because they match a model of beauty, but because they are them. It means seeing them in sickness or without gussying up, and not caring. You will do just about anything for their happiness, whether that be longer term, hard work, or a fleeting moment of laughter. You want to see them strong and successful, and you when they smile? You live for that. It is getting peeks at their vulnerability and loving them more, supporting them when they can, and wishing you could when you cannot. It is being willing, at the drop of a hat, to climb mountains or do the impossible if that's what they need. This is how I experience love. It's the most beautiful thing, and I'll cherish it for however many years it endures. We cannot control the people that love us back, nor can we control the choices that they make, but we can take the love that we have, like an intensity burning inside of us, and let it thrive and come out as joy. And the scars that we carry with us make us stronger, whether they are once, twice, or three times the charm. It's been just over six years since this story, and more than half a life time ago since it all started. I can sometimes lose perspective about things, as we all do, but remembering how grateful I am for my life, health, and ability to find joy, is what brings balance.
+I had always hoped that someone would love me that much, but not everyone is so lucky. But now that I'm older, I have a different perspective. Love is not wanting something or someone for yourself - it is completely unselfish. The entirely of it manifests in our head, and that means that you can love someone without having them, in the traditional or expected sense that we are shown in movies. It is finding a person in the world that, maybe for the first time, you always place them before yourself. It is seeing how beautiful or handsome they are, not because they match a model of beauty, but because they are them. It means seeing them in sickness and feeling nothing but affection and warmth. You will do just about anything for their happiness, whether that be longer term, hard work, or a fleeting moment of laughter. You want to see them strong and successful, and when they smile? You live for that. You want to sit in their silence, to hear their voice, and would be happy to just have their company. It is getting peeks at their vulnerability and loving them more, supporting them when you can, and wishing you could when you cannot. It is being willing, at the drop of a hat, to climb mountains or do the impossible if that's what they need. This is how I experience love. It's the most beautiful thing, and I'll cherish it for however many years it endures. We cannot control the people that love us back, nor can we control the choices that they make, but we can take the love that we have, like an intensity burning inside of us, and let it thrive and come out as joy. And the scars that we carry with us make us stronger, whether they are once, twice, or many times the charm. I've certainly lost count. It's been just over six years since this story, and more than half a life time ago since it all started. I can sometimes lose perspective about things, as we all do, but remembering how grateful I am for my life, health, and ability to find joy, is what brings balance.